Mind Games
One of my favorite cartoons of all time was a Ziggy comic where he’s looking at himself in a mirror, and the caption reads, “Well, what’s it going to be today? Are you with me or against me?” That’s the story of my life. Most of the “harm” inflicted upon me has been inflicted by me.
Whenever I do something really stupid food-wise, (usually something that I am well aware from my past history is a big mistake), I have to ask myself, “What the heck was I thinking?” (not the Dr. Phil almost rhetorical version, but a legitimate question). Having spent years painstakingly developing effective strategies to manage food situations perhaps just like this one, why am I sometimes simply unwilling the employ them?
One reason I have determined is that I have gone way too far down the path of self-destruction to stop myself. I have allowed myself to reach the “I don’t care” place. You know the place? Nine times out of ten, the food is already either under my nose or actually in my mouth. I’ve noticed that I rarely arrive at “I don’t care” with no direct food stimulus.
When I pose that same question to clients (“Really, what were you thinking?”), they often pause and then reply, “I wasn’t thinking.” After years of an agonizing weight struggle, and although I know that I can really only speak for myself, I’m not sure that it is correct that I actually think nothing. But, in that split second in which I cave in, the guilt is so unbearably painful that I do get really good at either ignoring the thoughts, shutting them down as quickly as they enter my mind, or deluding myself into making it OK with some sort of line that is essentially just blanket permission
However…there is that split second. I can learn to use that.
What form do these speed-of-light denial mechanisms take? Usually promises, excuses and rationalizations. They all work slightly differently. See if you can identify which one works best for you.
Promises really only mean one thing…“not now”. They get me off the hook by explaining how, at some future date (suspiciously not specified) I am going to be totally willing do something that I am currently totally unwilling to do. Somehow practicing talking myself out of it yet again is supposed to make me better at talking myself into it. Since practice makes perfect so the saying goes, how is practicing bailing out going to make me better at following through?
A promise might go something like this: “I’ll definitely start exercising when my new treadmill arrives.” Apparently the mere presence of a piece of exercise equipment in my home will magically turn me into an enthusiastic athlete. Or how about: “I’ll eat this piece of cake now and pay it back later”? I wouldn’t stop to ask the appropriate questions like: “Exactly when, and by doing what … that I am apparently unwilling to do now”?
Excuses are especially gratifying. They represent permission to never take responsibility for my actions as long as I can convince myself that my reasons are good enough. They get me off the hook without lots of tiresome explaining to do. Of course, try telling that to the bank account that is my body. One of my clients recently started telling her binge story by asking me if it “counted” that she was really stressed by something her mother-in-law had said to her. My answer: “not to your thighs”. I don’t think my body particularly cares if my reasons for overeating are valid. It only reflects whether or not I balance the budget eventually. Excuses mean that I’m not intending to.
One excuse that I make/hear all the time is: “I’m too tired.” What’s so great about this one is that it’s so versatile. I mean, it can work in so very many different situations. When wouldn’t it apply? And the beauty of it is that I probably really am tired.
PMS is another great one, and this one we women get to use fully 52 times a year, and for a whole week at a time! It’s not that I don’t need to have a special plan for that week, and that plan might just have to have chocolate in it (!), but it still counts and has to be worked into my month.
Rationalizations are my personal favorite. I like to believe that they are the “thinking woman’s” tool. Unfortunately the cleverer I am, the cleverer they are. They are different from excuses in that they seem to provide a plausible explanation for my behavior. I can make them seem oh so reasonable, and there is always at least a grain of truth to them that allows me to buy right into them. However, they are never the whole truth.
Here’s how I might rationalize, “I don’t want to totally blow it but I want a treat, so I’ll get take out Sesame Chicken for Sunday night’s dinner and I’ll only eat half. I’ve done that successfully before”.
Here’s the truth. Sesame Chicken is 1600 calories of (often) twice-fried food, which is more than a day’s worth of calories for me. Sunday is historically my worst food day, so that’s not likely to be all the caloric damage I will do. In fact, for me it is likely a catalyst to more overeating. Once I start eating it, I will no doubt remind myself of how poorly leftover fried food freezes, so I may as well finish it all now. And, yeah I did only eat half – maybe once that I remember…back in 1979!
I think that the rationalization I hear most is, “Well, it could have been worse”. No doubt true, and a valuable platitude for life, but not very effective for weight management if I’m still eating for a weight that’s 75 lbs. above what I claim to want to weigh. I can’t eat for 225 lbs. and end up weighing 150 lbs. Just not how it works. And, since when do I want to compare myself to my worst self anyway? Perhaps I might want to raise the bar a bit!
I’m sure we all excuse, promise and rationalize sometimes. The good news is: that still doesn’t have to stand in the way of me being the weight I want to be. I always have the option of paying the caloric bills I have incurred and not wearing them, no matter how regrettable my choices and no matter how long after the fact I choose to take responsiblitly. We call this “dieting” – paying the accumulated debt I had failed to pay along the way. And, once I get good at predicting my behaviors, I can pay that caloric bill in advance. Then the overeating feels like a reward for work well done, rather than punishment. Calorie knowledge is not intended to be used as permission to eat poorly, but it is forgiving. It provides another tool to accomplish my goal of long-term weight management, even when I’m not perfect.
(Aside: clearly eating “right” virtually all the time is the nutritionally appropriate thing to do (duh!) and would negate the need for this discussion. If we only ate healthfully, most of us wouldn’t need to worry about deliberately balancing our budgets. It would happen by default). That is not working in America currently. Look around.
When all said and done, the only person who can help me is me, and the only one in my head to even witness the conversation is me. So, learning to listen to the rationalizing, excusing, promising “bad angel” and discover the secrets of her persuasiveness could be of great value to me. I could learn to argue back. I could learn to tell myself the truth…the whole truth. I could give that sabotaging angel a run for her money.
If I capitalize on that split second when I still have a choice, I can learn to havethat conversation. With enough practice, the good angel’s voice might even drown out the bad angel’s – at least enough of the time.
Begin your final weight loss journey now…
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